I'm talking about rest.
For the first time in my life, God has closed the doors of busyness I have been trying to open, and slammed the windows with them.
I was so discouraged at first; why would no one hire me? Or give me an interview?
Why was I suddenly stuck with all this free time on my hands?
And this is what I've learned: busyness has its place, but so does rest.
I used to think that being industrious all the time was a kind of virtue, the "proper" way for me to live my life, and I was always rushing to "make the most of my time." While that outlook served me quite well through high school and college, and then in the working world, it did take its toll.
Bags under my eyes. Not enough sleep. No time to exercise.
I don't know, something about being a contender for Zombie Magazine just wasn't good for me, in hindsight.
And now? Now I have all the time in the world to sleep, to read, to do chores, to read... basically whatever I want to do, I suddenly have time for. I'm not saying this to brag. I'm not saying it in any kind of judgy way, I'm just stating that right now, this is what my life is like.
And at first, I hated it.
I thought I was being lazy, and my days were full of guilt. I felt like I wasn't measuring up to anyone's standards, particularly my own, and I thought, "what happened to me?"
For the first time, I wasn't in the paper or winning writing contests or being chosen to go to England; I wasn't scoring my dream job, or teaching Sunday School or volunteering or making things, or taking up languages or teaching blind kids or any number of things that used to be a normal part of life for me.
Even being pregnant, I felt like I should still be able to do them, to continue this business of being busy.
I have learned that I was wrong.
God is teaching me to rest in Him, to grow closer to Him, and to use this extra time as a season in my life to be nearer to Him.
He's telling me that it is just a season, and that I need to take time to go look at the flowers outside, and enjoy the rain, and focus on my little growing family right now; that right now, my ministry is my family and that is all He is calling me to do at the moment. That right now, I need to rest up before the little one He is entrusting to me and my husband gets here...
... that I need to rest.
I'm finally learning to listen. For the first time I think ever, I don't feel rushed during daily life. I don't think I've ever known (even as a child I was this way) what it feels like not to be in a hurry with everything. Going to college? Better hurry through it to save money. Going shopping? Better get in and out as fast you can, you should be doing something else. Going to the gas station? Only because I have to, and I would actually bring flash cards or things to do while I stood there at the pump. My dentist still reminds me of the times I did homework sitting in the lobby. After church, I would often sit in the car and do homework until the rest of the family was ready to go. You get the idea.
For some reason, probably foolish youth and pride, I always thought that God would have some "Big Purpose" for my life, and I envisioned that as being an overseas missionary, trekking through jungles or toiling in deserts, and someday He might call me to to that. Especially because Scot has similar notions.
But not right now.
And I know once the baby gets here, busyness will have its place again.
I'm learning to be ok with resting during this special season of my life.
I found this poem, and I want to share it with all of you because it describes what I'm learning:
From The Still Small Voice
I longed to walk along an easy road,
And leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God;
But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."
I longed to sow the seed in other soil,
To be unshackled in the work, and free,
To join with other laborers in their toil;
But Jesus said, "It's not My choice for thee."
I longed to leave the desert, and be led
To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,
That I might win them; but the Master said,
"I have not called you, publish here My name."
I longed to fight the battles of my King,
Lift high His standards in the thickest strife;
But my great Captain had me wait and sing
Songs of His conquests in my quiet life.
I longed to leave the hard and difficult sphere,
Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near,
But Jesus had me guard one lonely gate.
I longed to leave the common daily toil,
Where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for you this soil,
That you might raise for Me some blossoms rare."
And now I have no longing but to do
At home, or far away, His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few;
Thus, "choosing not to choose," my heart is still.
